Angry Library Guy

We all have different names for him, but we all know who he is. That's what happens with code names in this town; for instance, if someone tells me "Feminist Man" gave them a lecture that day, something clicks in my head and I immediately realise who they are talking about. This happened a few weeks ago, when someone told me he got told off by "The Evil Man" for eating a grape on the top floor of the library. "Oh! You mean 'Angry Library Guy'!", I said. And so the story continues...

I am currently looking for someone who has not been terrorised, told off, shushed or just generally intimidated by Angry Library Guy. Personally, I have been scolded for: sneezing too loudly, chewing gum, taking the lid off my cup of coffee, placing my lunch on the floor next to me, putting my unopened packet of crisps on the desk, and for silently mouthing 'Hi' to a friend as she was passing. His death look is piercing. Considering this man is not particularly tall, I am impressed at how successful he is at making me feel so small.

One time, I observed as he almost banished a girl for discreetly eating a sandwich on the middle floor of the library. OK, I know we're not supposed to do it, but still, she had been there since 8:00 a.m., give-her-a-break! She did not deserve to be yelled at in front of everyone: "Put that away immediately! It's like a bloody pick-nick up here!" Also, I don't know about you, but my stomach always gets really tight if my matric card isn't swiping correctly at the entrance and he's there, fulminating me with his eyes but not opening the sliding doors and waiting for my matric card to work...which obviously fails as my hand begins to shake and sweat and then the card starts slipping away from my fingers...you get the idea. I always hear the soundtrack to 'Jaws' playing in the back of my head, the suspense is unnerving: will he open the doors before he yells at me? Will he yell at me when I least expect it? Where will I hide my snacks today?!

The worst is that when there's people who are actually making noise and being incredibly rude in the silent area, or littering, or spilling stuff and not cleaning up, he is never around. How is this fair, may I ask? I look forward to my last day at the library: I will blast some music, eat a pie and open my coffee cup right in front of him. Such a bad ass move, I know. But hey, at least I'll get the satisfaction of giving him a reason to be angry, and not suffer the consequences of being followed by his grudge on the following semester. I always say, it's the small pleasures of life that keep us going in this town...